On Mr Williams (Me Really)

Cracked has a good break down.

It hits home because I'm the insecure person who makes jokes to hide it.

It really hits home because I've had the gun in my mouth.

I've been in the dark hole looking up and pleading, "is there anyone out there who understands?" and gotten not just "no" but "hell no!" as a response.  You beg for sympathy because that creates the illusion that someone sees the pain for what it is.

You get offered advice that just will not work.

You get dismissed from peoples lives because they don't want a deeper relationship than the surface humor.

You dismiss yourself from peoples lives because you're sick of that veneer.  You dismiss yourself because you feel like you're taking over an inordinate amount of your friends time.  You know you wouldn't like it if they were imposing on you like you're imposing on them.

Relationships start feeling like a treadmill.  You never get any where.

You stop making new friends because there's no point.

I am fucking lucky!

Getting out of the hole is a DIY project.  It's a massive undertaking because not only do you have to dig out of the hole, you have to build the machines that make the machines that make the tools; all on your own and without a guide.  It's also frustrating that the tools and methods for escaping my personal hole do not resemble those that work for anyone else and vice versa.

For the most part, I've succeeded!  The last vestiges seem to have fallen relatively recently.

I still haven't made many new friends, it's still scary out there.  While it's scary here, at the edge of the hole, it's less scary than jumping back in.  Now the explanation is more along the lines that I'm a bit socially isolated by being a parent of a special needs child and limited by that single income thing.

I wish that Mr Williams had found the tools he needed to get out of his hole.  I wish that so many people I've known and know of would.

The only help I can really offer is to show that it's possible.  That it can be done.

PS: I weighed this long and hard before deciding to hit publish.  A version of this has been in drafts for weeks.  Special thanks to Tam for being mean a few months ago.  Although I doubt that she saw it as being so, it was the kick in the jaw I needed to assemble the tools that I'd made.