21 April 2008

A Wedding With Bitter Observations

"How was the wedding?"

All the normal stuff. The Bride was insane from being the bride. Note to Bridezillas everywhere, just because you have an excuse, doesn't mean you don't have to say you're sorry later. Behaving that way after the honeymoon will just lead to, "Why don't your friends ever come and visit us anymore, Lee?" It might even lead to, "Why don't they log onto the chat engine, reply to e-mails or answer their phones any more?" too.

The Bride's mother: She didn't understand that just because I am here as a friend to The Groom, that didn't give her the power to order me about. I did not hear a single please or thank you from her. By the way, one of the reasons The Bride was so damn nervous was you not leaving her alone and fretting over every single thing that had already been covered. Things were missed because you couldn't shut the hell up and stay the fuck out of the way! It wasn't YOU getting married, it was your daughter, and you nearly caused four of the wedding party to walk.

To everyone who accused me of taking The Groom's Brother's clothes; Go fuck yourselves! I am an adult now and childish pranks like this are reserved for friends. The Groom's Brother is not my friend and there's not a goddamn thing I can do to him that is worse than letting him continue to be himself. The "go fuck yourself" goes double for The Bride's Father who'd only met me the day before and made the decision that "It had to be me." Didn't think I would hear about your big goddamn mouth, did you? Well, prick, see you at dawn if you have the balls. You fuckers were awfully damn brave behind my back, weren't you? It was only out of respect for my friend that I didn't go off right there and then.

The wedding party got stuck with the clean-up job. We got told about this detail just after the marriage ceremony. For future reference, that's the fucking venue's problem, not mine. It was just FuzzyGeff, The Maid of Honor, her daughter and me doing it. The Bride's brother, his wife, ADD child (try telling the little shit 'no' from time to time, or even once) and baby bailed as soon as the Rolls was out of sight. The Groom's Brother sat in his parents car and pouted about the clothes he left unattended to be mistaken as the band's stuff in the restroom. FuzzyGeff and I unloaded the huge load of crap, including the trash from the party. If anything is lost or broken, we did our best, but it was an entire pick-up load of crap. An entire pick-up load. That's excessive. We really would have been well within our rights to say, "not our problem, these are ceremonial titles and carry no responsibilities." We were definitely put upon, and I am not pleased about it. FuzzyGeff can speak for himself, but he doesn't sound real pleased. If there's a next time, you're getting a card from me not an appearance.

I behaved. I was a good boy. For the most part, I swallowed my pride and sucked up the abuse. Don't get used to that level of behavior. There won't be a wedding to destroy next time. Next time I am going to be me all the way. Black humor and all. If you think your knowing an astronaut on Columbia trumps talking Lou Ries out of killing himself because he thinks he should have been able to program the flight control system to save the shuttle on one wing, we will have words. If you fly in an experimental aircraft you are accepting that you might not live through the experience. By the way, pick the world you wanna live in. Either you are an equal adult, and have to play by the same rules I do, or you are not an equal and have no grounds to approach me on any matter. I leave criticism to my peers, thank you.

Note to Texans: Want it pronounced May-nohr? Don't spell it Manor. I know you think it's cute that out of towners don't know that you can't read. That's just shows us how damned ignorant you are. The explanation as to why you do this stupid shit is even better, and can be countered with one sentence; "You lost the goddamned Civil War, pretending that the pronunciation rules are different to laugh at the winners makes you look both stupid and petty." Keeping the stupid and petty shit up for 145 years makes you look even stupider.

I would excuse the profanity, but it's my blog, I can say what I want here.

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