Lost My Place To Stay

The main problem with going anywhere for vacation is I end up being able to travel there or stay where I travelled but not being able to afford both.

So trips to see friends become predicated on being able to borrow a spare room or couch.

The person who'd offered me crash space has not replied to my attempt to finalize plans.

I hope nothing bad has happened to them.  But if nothing has, that means I've managed to lose another friend.

I'm not making new friends so every loss hurts all the more.

I'm never sure what I did specifically to cause someone to suddenly stop talking to me, but it's happened so often it simply must be me.

Thinking on it...

It's not really that sudden.  It begins with them stopping contacting me.  For a while they respond to me contacting them, then silence.

It's very hard to remain optimistic when you're as talented as I seem to be at self sabotage.  Yes, getting bummed out about it makes it worse and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Astonishingly to me, I've really made ground on that part and have actually managed to stop actively sabotaging relationships... the passive remains.

I can't stop doing something I don't realize I am doing and so far what "help" I've gotten seems more an excuse to finally say all the things they've been keeping pent up to the point of my wondering why they're still claiming to be my friend if they hate me so much.

I have addressed a lot of it.  I have improved a lot.  Seems too little, too late.  I'm not going to stop striving to get better, but dammit! will I be doing it for nobody but me?