13 October 2015

Just A Damn Hamburger

That's all I am fucking asking for!

You'd think it was rocket science or something.

It's simple.

Some ground up cow, wadded into a ball, mashed into a patty, cooked on a griddle or in a pan or over a flame.  How it's cooked doesn't really matter a great deal but the inside should be no grayer than bright pink.  And no matter how red and bloody that center should be HOT.

Salt and pepper to taste.

The bun should be the same diameter as the patty.  It should be firm and the crust should yield readily to teeth.  This is so biting the bun doesn't squish out the filling while you're trying to tear the artisianal skin of the pretzel bun.  I prefer an onion-kaiser roll here.

Toppings are also to taste, but raw veggies are fine.  A leaf of iceberg lettuce, a slice of beefsteak tomato, raw white or red onion.  And why is it so damn hard to find a firm, but soft, tomato that actually tastes like tomato?

Condiments are up to the eater too, but for fuck's sake THIS IS AMERICA BY GOD!  Ketchup, mustard and (for us weirdos) mayonnaise.

Now we get to the most important part.  Hamburger dill pickle slices.  Not kosher (you give up on kosher the second that cheese hits the patty, never mind the bacon so why do the not salty enough pickle here when it won't save you from Hell?).  Not, for the love of Edesia anything sweet.  No spears of pickle or whole pickles.

The cheese should not be actual cheese.  Remember this is America, we use American Cheese, and it had better be of the unnatural shade of Kraft orange also found in their Mac and Cheese.  If you absolutely must be some sort of prevert, cheddar or swiss can be used.

Bacon is acceptable, but not essential (yes I said it) and it should be crispy, but not so overcooked that you break your teeth on it.

All of that above should not stack more than two inches.  We are human beings, not snakes.  Our jaws cannot unhinge to encompass much taller without destroying the equilibrium of the stack.


  1. Good thing you didn't want a Pepsi.... :-O

    1. I love how I got the reference before I noticed the link!

  2. I agree with all you said. I can take the tomatoes. Or not. Mayonnaise is fine on a burger, but is really meant for fries. :)

    1. Mayo on fries... Did you order them as spermfrites?

      The Greek place down the road from Panzer knew what we wanted when we ordered them that way!


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