13 December 2013


Calm is strange to me.

I am almost never calm.

The misophonia always makes me agitated.

I can appear calm, but I am on the edge of "or flight" pretty much all the time.  There's no fight, how do you fight a sound or a twitching foot.

Yet, at this moment, I am calm.

I also have a fever.

The Boy has had the flu or something for about a week.  I think I am coming down with it.  I am mainlining orange juice and the surprisingly pleasant 12 hour cold/flu liquid.

I think that the sinus pressure is making my tinnitus really ring, and that seems to be covering some of the sounds that would otherwise be intruding on the calm.  If only I could achieve this without getting sick in other ways.

The misophonia is notably absent when I am well buzzed too.  That's handy because that means I won't get angry while I am drunk.

Calm is scary to me.  When addressing other issues we discovered that I am wired oddly in lots of ways.  Perhaps being on the edge of "or flight" 24/7 develops a different response to danger.  I get CALM when I'm seriously convinced that I'm about to be severely injured or killed.  This is super handy when you play around with race cars (and I'd prolly notice it less if I had more talent).  Time also runs funny.  Being calm and having a whole minute to think about the next second is really cool.

Calm has often meant danger.

I am calm and there is no danger.

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