There's a transition point where I think that that a bullet will make everything all better.
It's when I'm good and buzzed and coming down.
My life insurance pays even if I commit suicide at this point.
The mortgage is paid, my student loans are erased.
BANG!
The Lovely Harvey is financially better off.
It's just a point.
It's so momentary that there's not even time to grab a gun, let alone pull a trigger.
While Harvey would be better off financially, she'd not be better off, overall, without me.
Money isn't everything.
The Boy still needs my non-financial contribution to his life.
Harvey, though she doesn't have the words to express it, would also feel my absence in a profound way.
That doesn't even consider that I'm far too curious about what happens next to check out.
The universe is stuck with me, I'm afraid.
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Dude, quit listening to the booze in the dark lonely hours.
ReplyDeleteYes, dark thoughts, yada yada. Good you acknowledge them. Now go talk to someone you trust about them, someone with somewhat shared experiences. Which is why VFW and American Legion were started, because normies just had no base of knowledge to understand what the members had in common.
I know a guy, cough, cough, who was about, due to really bad circumstances, a week or more away from really contemplating rolling over and shooting his spouse and sucking his gun. Because stuff was that bad. Only thing saving his ass was his wife and her dog.
Stay strong. Go talk to Willard or someone. Times like these is when being a theist is a good thing if you have a good chaplain to go to. You don't, so go find someone to talk to about all the things you don't talk about. Please. The family needs you. Your friends need you. And the stupid idiot gun-quislings need you to keep kicking them in the ass in the very excellent way you do.
Not to mention, I want to find out what happens in your Guns-n-Magic story. Selfish, yes, but if it helps chase the dark thoughts away, I'll take it.
I see I did a poor job of saying how fleeting the moment is.
DeleteFor it to have an effect I'd have to have the gun in my mouth waiting for it. Because I'm a happy drunk, I don't have a gun in my mouth, I have a keyboard in my hands drunk posting song lyrics to Facebook and seeing if anyone replies with the next verse.
Please read my closing line again. The universe is stuck with me.
Whew. Just late night, when dark thoughts skitter like cockroaches in a cheap motel, is not a good time for, well, dark thoughts.
DeleteSee statement about a guy I know (cough, cough)... Which, the fact that said thoughts were thought, still haunt by their very existence the guy I know (cough, cough)... The guy I know (cough, cough) is no longer having those thoughts but the fact he thought those thoughts... Which you know about.